After inspiring speeches by Dr. Fiona Wood, Australian of the Year and creator of spray-on skin, inspirational feel-good movies that cement our responsibility to the world, talking with a quasi taxi man called Clive about the importance of following what truly makes us happy, and the too-many-coincidences-to-be-a-coincidence occurrence of crossroads, I was faced with a question that sat in front of me and teased me with its excellent musculature and overall general body tone. It enticed me to consider the holiest of holy questions that has plagued mankind (and now womankind; we must be supportive) since the beginning of our time on this world: Why do we make the choices we make and how, when faced with decisions that make such a profound impact on our lives, can we travel down paths when we have no reasoning to rationalize our decisions?
Just how do we convince ourselves that what we do is the correct thing? After all, if life itself is a series of decisions which we make not knowing at the time the impact it can make on our lives, how is it that we can approach them with such candour and that we only recognise the importance of them in retrospect? Do we knowingly find ourselves in such occurrences but let faith blind us in the belief that what we do will all turn out right in the end or do we really not have a grand plan and go through life floating from one possibility to the next like a worker bee until we land on the sweet, sweet, nectar-giving flower of our choosing and stay there or are we settling or do we land on a game of probability, hoping that the next one will be better than the last?
The latest bodybuilding competition has started and ended in Melbourne with competitors from all over the country competing for the title of champion in a pose-off that is part hypnotic, part hilarious and part savagely-strange. Yet, like a slow motion video of a young adult male taking a water balloon to the head (the splashes entangle hypnotically around his head) or slow motion anything for that matter, I could not tear my eyes away from the unfolding scene despite the repetitive nature of routines and musculature; after all there can only be so many shapes biceps and triceps can take unless you come from another planet; now entirely possible given the released UFO footage on YouTube that was withheld by government conspiracy theorists for the past 40 years.
I waited with bated breath, knowing how the day would eventuate but I watched helplessly nonetheless to the scene unfolding before me, not knowing how I felt and not knowing whether this was beautiful, wonderful or funny. It’s like a bad relationship; you know it is bad for you, but you hang in there hoping that at the last minute, when the timing is right and at the final crucial moment, someone will throw in a stone to divert the path to impending doom where all hell freezes over and you discover that you bought instant noodles at the corner store but have no cutlery to eat it with.
It is in watching this scene unfold before me that I considered just what was the motivating factor behind so many hours in the gym pumping iron; a DVD a friend lent me recently where Arnold Schwarzenegger famously claimed he was orgasmic because he had orgasms in the gym in the morning, at lunch when he ate, in the afternoon when he trained again, then at night in the comfort of his own home. An attempt to claim this as hype in the spirit of the documentary was later made by Mr. Schwarzenegger but I remain unconvinced. He just seemed a little bit too much like me at the time… endorphinized. (Those squat thrusts are really something.)
It is times like these where I sit down and ponder the question we all ask ourselves at one point or another. What is the reason for me being here? Do I matter or was I really just the first one with the fastest set of swimmers that won the race among a contest of thousands; and where is my record deal?
These questions are enough to send anyone around the bend of holy matrimony – lets face it, anyone who chooses to marry is clearly deranged and nonsensical – but with the new colourful board shorts and pendant I obtained from an Israeli backpacker in a Arabian Food Chain in Byron Bay, I felt sufficiently enlightened to ponder what really is my reason for being here.
In retrospect, I’ve had what many would call a funkadelic life, one that is so hip and happening in a far out hip and happening way; my dogs simply adore me. My biggest life challenge to date has been my battle with procrastination. I use to procrastinate a lot but I looked amazing doing so it balanced out. I’m floating cheerily on a river or merriment so where then, does this need to find something more come from? Am I approaching a stage where I need to take the next step and start questioning why? I don’t think I’m ready to start turning into a deranged lunatic just yet as I am in preference for being cryogenically frozen or could I possibly be going through a super early mid-life crisis?
But the truth is we can’t just trust that we will float forever. Destiny will lead us gently down a river and our life choices will determine which winding meander we take. Sooner or later, we nee d to take the paddle and screw up a little bit. Maybe even meander into the forest and dig holes with a trowel to dispose of our by-products least 50 metres away from water sources so that we can be environmentally friendly.
No matter how eloquently a dog may bark, he may never tell you that daddy never loved him like Mike Myers in Austin Powers’ Goldmember; a hilarious movie which unfortunately made me fall asleep in the last three times I tried to watch it. Maybe the fourth time will be lucky. We don’t know what the meaning of life is but we keep constantly asking ourselves this because we want something more. I am undoubtedly a stubborn creature and I’m sure I’m not the only one out there.
So what is it that makes someone try to survive when all is a funky melting pot of crappola? What makes man and woman think, “My life isn’t over yet!” Maybe the meaning of life is the ability to think beyond what you have; the pondering of what the meaning of life is.
Upon retrospect, my reason for being here is as good as any, including the girl in front of me in the red dress. Tonight, I will concede that life is good with a spoon of sugar and that the only thing worth living for is the BBQ sauce at TGI Fridays sent from the cooking pot of heaven itself.
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